A Peek Behind The Arsenal Wonderland Curtain

A micro-bio of your AW "writer"

This week I’ve got something a little different for you. Next week normal programming will be resumed here on Arsenal Wonderland, but this week, and I’ll admit I’m a little nervous, I’m sharing a few insights about myself!

Substack makes suggestions about “community building” and one suggestion is for writers to share something of themselves with their readers.

Now, I’m a socially competent person and relatively comfortable in myself, although I do drift in and out of feeling a curious version of imposter syndrome, as if everyone else is engaged in real life whereas I’m just a transient ghost, trespassing through the lives of others. I think you know what I’m talking about, I’m sure everyone shares this feeling to some degree.

But because of my occasional phantomesque disposition, sharing anything about myself just feels comically egocentric and grandiose. Besides, in our current delicate historical period of fragility and slow-motion collapse, why (or where) would I even begin? Nonetheless, I’m going to wrestle with these unconscious tendencies and write a few brief things (don’t worry, not much) about myself.

But first, a huge thanks to everyone who reads Arsenal Wonderland, this would be nothing without you. And a warm welcome to new subscribers (thanks so much for coming and if this is your first article possibly begin with something else first). Please feel free to comment on the articles (sometimes writing can be like hollering into a cave with no echo, so it's very satisfying to hear someone calling back - thanks to those who do), or if you want to send me an e-mail (as some do) I’ll very happily read it and reply.

It was -19 on an early morning in late winter when Benny (the dog) saw a deer, checked himself and merely stared with a longing. Good Boy! Photo credit Jonathan Foster

Ok, to begin, here’s a micro-bio: Like everyone, I’ve spent my time navigating through the days, months and years trying to manage the oncoming debt stream that is life, and then in the blink of an eye, I found I was 53 years old. If this were the Stone Age I’d be out hastily building a megalith to stash my bones. I don’t feel the same age as Dennis Bergkamp. Surely he’s older, more real, certainly more statue-worthy. But 53 has crept up on me like an ageing ninja and now I’m on the foothills of slowly turning to bones and stones.

When my wife and I met 21 years ago, I was somewhat dislocated and disconnected and meandering. But she, in her grounded and gentle way, effortlessly took the concealed and collapsed pieces of this man, and in one great embrace she painlessly reassembled me. Which was wonderful because it wasn’t till she’d put me back together that I realised I’d been adrift for so long. She returned my purpose in a twinkling, pulled back as I was into the warmth of love.

I’ve lived in six different countries (and currently engage the world in a language that’s not my own), which means I’ve always been on the peripheries, with an accent, from some other place. But I’m used to the familiarity of feeling like the “other” whilst being very much at home. I’ve grown comfortable with contradictions, as if this somehow allows me to avoid the burden of responsibility for the incomprehensible things we humans are doing, because hey, I’m not even from round here!

I’ve had an oscillating work life, commuting back and forth between proper working class wage labour to (suspiciously) breezy middle-class salaried professional occupations. I’ve carried bricks and painted walls and delivered things and I’ve advised boardrooms and given lectures and produced projects for the (unjustifiably) powerful. Sometimes I’ve worked extraordinarily hard and other times I’ve had no work at all.

And then in the blink of an eye, I found I was 53 years old!

And through it all I’ve never really found a “home” in any of these jobs. I’ve never had that ability (or delusion) to identify with any specific occupation. Instead, I’ve mostly fallen into things to keep the wolf from the door. And to be honest its always seemed a little ludicrous to “be” anything. That is, except the one thing I’ve never really dared to try. The one thing I’m trying right now to become. An actual writer of some sort.

Then, I realised that I’d better get a move on or these bones will be stone before they’d ever had the chance to develop a writerly rhythm and dance about on a page. So I came up with a plan. A plan that would get me writing regularly and focus my attention in a structured way. I needed to get myself “out there” and to hell with the imposter syndrome and the anxiety that people would scoff at my writing, or worse, not care at all.

So I hopped onto Substack and began writing Arsenal Wonderland because I thought writing about Arsenal, a passion of mine (obviously), would be an excellent place to start. And here we are. I’m writing this text and you, dear reader, are reading it. I can’t really express just how grateful I am that you’re taking the time to do so. I truly appreciate it.

In the near future (a couple of months from now) I’m going to open another Substack, alongside Arsenal Wonderland, where I’ll publish short stories and essays (and the odd podcast) and generally address our shared world through my writing. And if you’re not interested in such things then don’t worry because you can just continue reading the ongoing Arsenal Wonderland articles.

(And at some point I’ll have to turn on “paid” because I have the need, as I mentioned, to continue managing the oncoming debt stream that is life these days. Either that or the revolution comes early and I won’t have to bother. Fingers crossed).

Photo by dole777 on Unsplash

But for now what I’m trying to do is increase my readership as widely as possible. And this is where I’m hoping that you, dear reader, can help me. If you are enjoying Arsenal Wonderland and you have social media, it’d be great if you could share your favourite articles on your socials. Twitter, Insta and the rest of the usual social suspects. Then you’d be helping me get one step closer to becoming an actual writer and helping Arsenal Wonderland grow.

And in return you can request a topic here on Arsenal Wonderland and I’ll (try my best to) write about it for you. Anything Arsenal related, although as you know I’ve managed to cram rather a lot of themes into this last two months, so feel free to break those guard rails if you want to. Be the Zinchenko of requests!

So there you go. That was me being “open” about myself. Not an overly candid exposé I know. But it’s my best attempt at something I’m reluctant to do at the best of times.

OK, next week normal programming will resume with the usual array of player/fan/life articles. And I’ll be writing an Arsenal Wonderland Special covering my whole Emirates Experience because I’ll be in North London for the Arsenal v Southampton game!

Have a wonderful week Gunners and thanks for again for supporting AW by reading and spreading the joyful word.

A beautiful winter’s morning in the forest. Photo credit: Jonathan Foster